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Well he came home on Monday night
As drunk as he could be
And he saw an arse outside the door
Where his ol' arse should be
So he says to his wife, he says to her
Would you kindly tell to me
Who owns the arse outside the door
Where my ol' arse should be?
Ohhhhhhhhh, you're drunk, you're drunk
You silly old fool,
Drunk as you can be
It's only just a sow
That me mother sent to me
Now, many a day I've travelled
A hundred miles or more
But a sow with a saddle
I've never seen before.
Well he came home on Tuesday night
As drunk as he could be
And he saw a coat upon the door
Where his ol' coat should be
So he says to his wife, he says to her
Would you kindly tell to me
Who owns the coat upon the door
Where my ol' coat should be?
Ohhhhhhhhh, you're drunk again
You silly old fool,
Drunk as you can be
It's only just a blanket
That me mother sent to me
Now, many a day I've travelled
A hundred miles or more
But a blanket with button holes
I've never seen before.
Well he came home on Wednesday night
As drunk as he could be
And he saw a pipe upon the chair
Where his ol' pipe should be
So he says to his wife, he says to her
Would you kindly tell to me
Who owns the pipe upon the chair
Where my ol' pipe should be?
Ohhhhhhhhh, you're drunk, you're drunk
You silly old fool
Drunk as you can be
It's only a tinwhistle
That my mother sent to me
Now many a day I've travelled
A hundred miles or more
But a tinwhistle with smoke in it
I've never seen before.
It was Wednesday night or Thursday night
Thursday night he came home again
And I think we're all getting souced, you see
And he saw two shoes beneath the bed
Where his ol' shoes should be
So he says to his wife, he says to her
Would you kindly tell to me
Who owns the shoes beneath the bed
Where my ol' shoes should be?
Ohhhhhhhhh, you're drunk again
You silly old fool
Drunk as you can be
It's only two geranium pots
Me mother sent to me
Now many a day I've travelled
A hundred miles or more
But geranium pots with laces
I've never seen before.
Friday night he came home
And he was souced as souced could be
And he saw a head upon the bed
where his ol' head should be
So he says to his wife, he says to her
Would you kindly tell to me
Who owns the head upon the bed
Where my ol' head should be?
Ohhhhhhhhh, you're drunk again You silly old fool
Drunk as you can be
It's only just a baby boy
Me mother sent to me
Now many a day I've travelled
A hundred miles or more
But a baby boy with whiskers
I've never seen before.
Saturday night he staggered in
And he was as drunk as he could be
And he saw a hand upon her breast
Where his ol' hand should be
So he says to his wife, he says to her
Would you kindly tell to me
Who owns the hand upon your breast
Where my ol' hand should be?
Ohhhhhhhhh, you're drunk again
You silly old fool
Drunk as you can be
It's only just a brassiere
That me mother sent to me
Now many a day I've travelled
A hundred miles or more
But a brassiere with fingers
I've never seen before.
Now he came home on Sunday night
And he saw a !@#$%^*()
So he says to his wife he says to her
(Never mind what)
Would you kindly tell to me
(Use your imagination)
Who owns the !@#$%^*()?
Oh, you're drunk again
You silly old fool
Drunk as you can be
It's only just a rollin pin
Me mother sent to me
Now many a day I've travelled
A hundred miles or more
But a rolling pin with a head like that!
I've never seen before!